Elmer T. Bass, a Make America Great Again guy, walked into the local bar, plopped down on a stool beside me and ordered a Black Russian. Turning to me, he rumbled, “Are you that FAKE news guy, Harry Reynolds?”
Elmer was a big, burly guy, with “Mother” tattooed on his arm. He sported a “Make America Great Again” cap. You do not mess with a guy like that, particularly when you are 76, and 50 pounds lighter. I calculated the best response.
“Well, yes, I am,” I replied, “a 100-percent FAKE news guy. I have been one for over my 40 years as a newspaper editor and columnist. I was not aware of my “fakeness” until Donald Trump, once he was president, and subjected to criticism, exposed me.
“Great hat, Elmer, but not as great as mine – which I inadvertently left at home.” Elmer appeared doubtful. “Oh, yeah,” he growled. Clearly, it was necessary to placate Elmer least he pound me to a pulp.
“Make American Even Greater Again is embossed on my baseball cap,” I declared. I rose from the stool and saluted the flag in the corner. Elmer seemed satisfied.
“I knew you were not really a commie-loving, wild-eyed liberal.” Elmer patted me on the back and ordered me a couple of vodkas. “I really like this Russian stuff,” he said. “Putin and Donald are buddies, you know.”
Which, I could understand. After all, Putin told Trump that Russia did not interfere in our elections, Scout’s honor. Why would the dictator of a country, not to mention a former KGB officer, and enemy of the United States, do such a thing?
Elmer mulled things over a few minutes. “I used to think that fat, little North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, would nuke us. But, never fear, Trump thinks he is a great guy; admires his strong leadership. People get out of line over there Kim feeds them to the hogs, or uses them as target practice.”
By this time, having imbibed a great deal of the vodka, and being persuaded by my friend’s potent arguments, I had to admit that Elmer was right.
Having exhausted the discussion of the virtues of the two dictators, Elmer turned to the resolutions passed by the U.S Senate and House of Representatives opposing the president’s declaration of a national emergency on the Mexican border.
I pointed out that the emergency at the border was taking an inordinately long time. By this time, half the population of South and Central American should be in the United States.
Indeed, Jose and Antonio may be the only Mexicans left in Mexico.
“Sometimes, emergencies do take a long time,” replied Elmer. Thanks to Trump, after he builds his 750-mile, 50-foot-high, concrete wall, the hordes of murderers, rapists, gangs, toddlers and killer babies will be stopped.
“Thanks to the emergency decree, the president has all the time he needs to take funds from the defense, Homeland Security, FBI, and CIA budgets to pay for the wall.”
Well, by this time, Elmer had convinced me that the president was absolutely right, but, I still was not convinced that children should be separated from their parents and incarcerated. Elmer, being the epitome of logic, explained.
“You have to watch the kids; the babies in particular,” he sighed. “The babies are the real problem. “Who wants to poke around in a baby’s diapers? “
That made sense. You do not mess with diapers, especially, when they are full of you-know-what.
It also raises the question, is the emergency Trump declared full of you-know-what?
Harry Reynolds can be reached at email@example.com